我为什么一直哭

我在想我为什么一直忍不住要哭： 

• 单纯的想念妈妈，和妈妈在一起的时光。 可以是小时候，可以是长大了的时候，无所不想念。这个也其实最难受，而且脑子一闲下来就会自动播放。
• 家里熟悉的每个角落，却没有了妈妈的影子。
• 想起妈妈患病期间受过的苦。 
• 想到或碰到一些和妈妈有关的事情要跟妈妈分享，但瞬间记起妈妈已经不在了 。
• 想起自己变成一个没有妈妈的孩子（是有点长不大，但到了那个时候你会发现大家其实都一样）
• 想起妈妈在世时，自己没有做好当孩子的本分。
• 担心自己有没有遗漏了妈妈的遗言，或者什么地方没有做好。虽然妈妈离世前有讨论一些后事的问题，但之后才发现不是所有细节都有想到或照顾到。

我也在想，是不是哭完了就比较不难过了，所以就应该尽量的哭？ 还是怎么哭都没有尽头，所以就不应该一下子哭得没天没夜，而是该尽量控制，避免影响到家人。当然没人在场的时候就没管那么多。可是平时要上班要见人，就会考虑一下分寸的问题。。

我还能回到像以前一样比较开朗一点的状态吗。。或许我的性格就从此改变了。。

Death, existence, consciousness, presence - Sam Harris (non-religious)

The reason we die is to give us the opportunity to understand what life's all about.

旅行

2008 年，9月，北京奥运之后

妈，你去“旅行”快一个多礼拜了，应该回来了吧。每次要叫你出来吃饭你都不在，早上看看你起床了吗你也不在，晚上也没有人叫我早点睡。

我记得以前我刚结婚，还没生小孩，这段期间你觉得在家里很无聊，所以常和朋友、亲戚去旅行。

这几天家里真的静了很多。

你几时才回来？

我亲爱的妈妈 (谢雪清女士）

我亲爱的妈妈，你终于还是离开了我们。

2020年华人新年过后，你才说起肚子疼了好一阵子。家庭医生写了介绍信 - 照超声波、看专科医生、做内窥镜手术，发现是肿瘤，并初步诊断为胰脏癌。经过进一步的验血和活体组织检查，也证实是癌细胞组织。

从那时开始，我和你相处的时间变多了。我负责接送你到癌症中心看专科、复诊、接受化疗。这一下来就是好几个月。虽然你有些许内疚，怕耽误我的工作时间，总是请求医生和护士安排复诊日期时，要考虑到我的工作时间。但其实我正享受和你多相处的时光。

期间，新加坡冠病疫情达到了顶峰。全国实行阻断措施，路上的车辆骤然减少，反而让我们开车到医院的路途顺畅，在癌症中心的等候时间缩短了许多。我开玩笑地问你，这算不算是幸运呢？你并没有直接回答，你可能以为我是在苦中作乐吧？其实我正乐此不彼，因为我身为儿子有这个机会可以为你做一点事。

从小到大，你总是比我早起身，还确保我每一餐都能温饱。没有哪一天早上你会睡过了头，没有哪一天我会饿着肚子上学。我不知道你是怎么办到的。因为现代的都市人，包括我自己也当了爸爸，每几个月内总有一两次会睡过了头而误了时间，总有几天忘了预先准备餐食。你是怎么办到不误事的呢？

上了中学，偶然间发现你的头发有些花白了，我心里一愣 。时间已经开始在你的身上划下了痕迹。但是我并没有说什么，可是那一幕对我来说，印象深刻，历历在目。

现在的人都说中小学生的上学时间太早了。我只记得你天还没亮就已经在用手洗衣了（那时洗衣机还没普及），所以我上学也从来不敢喊累，因为你为家里付出的更多，还要做代工来帮补家用。

现在的你总是说物价好贵。你说你出生的时候正是战后的新加坡，成长时期常常没东西吃，得饿着肚子。现在的社会，无论食物，用品，或者是医院停车场的停车收费等等，你都觉得很贵。我几乎听腻了你的这个唠叨。毕竟，我们70年代的孩子，从一出生就住在组屋里，根本不知道什么是饿肚子，又怎么会明白没东西吃的窘境？我们这一代怎么会意识做人必须能省则省，怎么能想象物资匮乏的社会现像呢？

毕了业到社会工作，有时你会说 “好好照顾自己”，那是因为我工作得出国公干，你看不到我的起居饮食，总会有些担心。这一次复诊时你偶然说出口，情况已经不同了。我没有出国，可是你担心再也看不到我了，我也瞬间掉下了眼泪。

我会好好照顾自己，我也会尽力把你疼爱的唯一孙子照顾好，我会学习如何熬汤给他喝。当你病危半昏迷的时候，我把这些话重复了几遍。我看见了你的眼泪，虽然你已经不能说话，但我知道你已经听见了。

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你是我的好妈妈，我已经开始想念你了，等我百年之后我会去你已经去了的地方和你见面。我已经想好了要和你说的话，包括告诉你，你走后的世界究竟变成了什么样。

你走后的世界，并不一定变得更好，不一定值得留恋。人类的传染病不断繁衍，闹得人心惶惶。大家都说需要好几年才能度过冠病疫情这一关，而且新的病毒也可能出现。海平面因气候变暖而显得岌岌可危，地球上许多小陆地被海水淹没了，可能也包括新加坡。

你走后的世界，人类还是一步步地走向自我毁灭。你认同吗？还是认为我只是在安慰你，劝你不需要觉得可惜？其实在你走后，世界虽然没有瞬间毁灭，但我看着窗外，人潮疏疏落落，我的内心空荡荡的已经塌陷了。Don't they know it's the end of the world?

你走的时间是早上，正如你的性格，不喜欢拖泥带水，不喜欢拖拖拉拉。要做的事一早就把它完成，绝不会让别人等你，更多时候，是你已经准备好了，或是把该做的事已经完成了。

最后一次住院，你是不是已经有了预感。在细菌感染的问题得到缓解后，你就急着说要出院在家休养，要我和医生提出要求，甚至天天问我什么时候可以回家。每每我探访结束要离开的时候，和你道别，你总是问 “那我呢？”

当离确定出院的日子越来越近，你也显得越来越焦急，常常问我离出院还有多远。我是否当时就应该感觉到，你已经有了别的想法。

这次住院时做的核磁共振扫描显示癌细胞已经扩散，你应该更痛了。医生还是同意让你出院了，护士也给我上了护理课，才能把你接回家。所幸在家里休息的你已经不像在医院里，会经常拉扯着被单，也较少翻来覆去，能够更好的休息。但是我根本没意识到，你离开医院的愿望达成了，你离开我们的日子也越来越近了。

我想你是不愿再拖累家人，所以决定不再奋斗下去。你是不是早已经决定了，继续抗战也只是徒劳无功，反而只是延伸了你的痛苦，因为最终还是躲不过病魔的纠缠！

我感到更加难过，更加遗憾，我是不是应该自私地要求你得为我们而活下去。我好愤恨，但却也不忍心看你继续被病痛折磨，这种矛盾心情，真的好纠结，好苦，好涩，好痛！

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我亲爱的妈妈，这段时间我有很多机会牵你的手。我已经不记得小时候最后一次牵你的手是什么时候。不过还好有机会再让我表达我对你的关心和爱。

我亲爱的妈妈，你走的那一瞬间，我一直握着你的手。你也紧抓我的手，但是你没带我去你要去的地方。你把我留在了原地。

我像个无助的小孩，你把我弄丢了，我嚎啕大哭。

原来我还像小时候一样盼望着你的关怀、你的爱。习惯了每一天的开始和结束都有你在，盼望每每转身或回头都看得到你亲切而熟悉的眼神。

原来我内心深处一直没有长大，一直没有离开过你。

iPhone SE

I had switched to the iPhone SE 2020 from iPhone 11 Pro back in September last year (2020). Couldn't stand having to do FaceID every now and then with mask on.

Been using it for close to 4 months and have not regretted since, TouchID makes life so much easier with masks on most of the time. But to be honest - without COVID, I would have stayed with FaceID. So understandably, both FaceID with TouchID in a single phone would be a god-send.

The battery life of iPhone SE is definitely not as great as iPhone 11 Pro but it is not terrible either. I could easily get by a normal day as a non-power/normal/average user.

Yonex Racquets (The range and series)

I was browsing the Yonex website one day for badminton racquets, and man! Surely you would be confused by the many series and price range of all the racquets!

I used to play badminton actively (competitively) during primary school and if i remember correctly there is only the Carbonex range of racquets, with Carbonex 8 being the best-buy.

Luckily I found this diagram below that displays the placement of their range of racquets. They now have 6 ranges with a tonne in each range. But with this diagram it is then easier to decide which one is best for yourself.

I always feel that manufacturers can bull-shit all they want regarding the different quadrant that each racquet will occupy, but such marketing materials give potential customers the impression that they have acquired knowledge and that purchase decision is now easier. So they win!

So for my case I would likely go with AX55, AX7 or AX77 (all are of Astrox Series for intermediate/advanced players) if I were to make a purchasing decision. 

NZXT H1 Repair Kit

Near to the end of 2020, NZXT received reports that the H1 chassis has been catching fire, and the hazard has affected less than 10 customers. They had issued a temporary fix as below.

https://blog.nzxt.com/details-on-h1-case-safety-issue/

Fast forward to 2021 they have shipped the repair kit and has released a video on how to perform the repair.

Gonna install the repair kit before selling it off!

Keychron K3 Mechanical Keyboard

Upgraded to yet another mechanical keyboard - the Keychron K3 via the Kickstarter program.

This model has a choice of removable optical switches or Gateron switches. I chose the optical keys since it should be quieter and more responsive. The optical red switches feels too soft though so I would be upgrading the brown switches soon.

Here is a size comparison with the previous Keychron K1 mechanical keyboard (K1 on top and K3 below)

The K3 has 2 less columns of keys and is therefore more space-saving on the desktop.

It is also a low profile keyboard like the K1 and as such does not require a wrist rest when typing.

Doctor X

Have been binge watching Doctor X on Netflix over the 2020/2021 year end holidays. It's quite a nice show if you have time to spare - touches on ethics, grit of being a professional doctor, as well as one’s purpose in work and life, albeit peppered with medical terms and lingos.

If you have no time to watch all seasons, just watch season 1, 4 and 5. Seasons 2, 3 and 6 are so-so and can skip. If you only have time for 2 seasons, just watch season 1 and 5, if not just season 1.

Some linkages do exist between successive series but not an absolute must to watch all in sequence.

Apple M1 Macbook Air 2020

Took the dive to get a brand new Apple M1 Macbook Air (8-core CPU, 8-core GPU, 512GB SSD) after hearing rave reviews on how the new SOC chip outperforms most Intel CPUs of the same class.

Although it requires Rosetta to perform code translation, my own initial test shows that the x86-based Adobe Premiere Pro runs with a few small hiccups and is 99% usable. Can't wait for the Premiere Pro version that is compatible with ARM-based M1 chip so as to enjoy an even faster and smoother experience in video editing. After all Final Cut Pro users have reported a very smooth user experience, so why would Adobe be lagging in that aspect?

If all turns out well, I should be able to let go of the NZXT H1 Desktop (Ryzen 5 3600, GTX 1660 Ti) to save some desk space. In terms of raw power, the Macbook is certainly no match for prowess of the GTX 1660 Ti but the portability of the Macbook is certainly a good trade-off.

Also bought the kid the base M1 Macbook Air (8-core CPU, 7-core GPU, 256GB SSD) to replace the old and slow 2015 Macbook Air too!

Adobe Premiere Pro Layout

Adobe Premiere Pro Layout

After some time of using Adobe Premiere Pro, I have finally found my favorite workspace layout instead of the one provided out-of-the-box, and I named it the Default layout - what else would I have named it? :)

The Timeline panel takes up the entire width of the screen at the bottom and is best used in this manner.

The Program panel occupies the biggest space right in the top center, flanked by Source+Project panels at the top left corner (one behind the other) as well as Essential Graphics at the top right corner.

The other panels (Effects, Effects Control) are not required to be present at all times and can be enabled whenever necessary.

Initially I was even thinking of mounting another monitor to project the Timeline panel separately, but after having this layout I realize that a 24-inch monitor is more than sufficient where I already have to stretch myself a little to read both ends of the Timeline panel.

The next upgrade, if required, would likely be a 27-inch instead of having 2 separate monitors. So good job to myself! *pat pat*

Keychron K1 (version 4) Mechanical Keyboard

Keychron K1 Mechanical Keyboard

Top: Keychron K2; Bottom: Keychron K1

Left: Keychron K2; Right: Keychron K1

About 4 months after getting the Keychron K2 (read about my experience here), I have opted to get the new Keychron K1 (now in version 4).

In essence the K1 is a low-profile mechanical keyboard but has 87-keys instead of 84 keys on the K2.

Read about the Keychron K1 here.

Read about the Keychron K2 here.

Initially I thought the K1 would take up significantly more space than the K2 but I was pleasantly surprised that it is actually only 2 columns wider than the K2.

In essence the K1 does not take up significantly more space horizontally on the table and as such it is a very welcomed option together with the much lower side profile.

The low profile Gateron switches on the K1 are also less noisy than the normal profile Gateron switches on the K2.

Learning Python and MySQL

I have started to revise on Python and started to learn MySQL during this COVID period.

Python is really versatile and easy to pick up assuming you have some basics of programming in your bones. It supports JSON and RESTful API out of the box so it makes my project setup so much simpler. The language structure is not as strict as C and closer to spoken language so it is a breeze to code.

There are also rich resources in the community to support your learning journey, including the very feature rich Python Integrated Development Environment (IDE) - Spyder, which is lightweight yet powerful.

I learnt that MySQL is largely similar to the MSSQL, the relational database language that I have learnt during my earlier working years while I was a still system administrator whose work involved a little scripting to extract data from a database format. SQL Express was the choice back then but for now I have opted to make use of MySQL in Azure.

Most important factor: MySQL is free to use and there is close to zero maintenance if it is hosted on Azure - just create the instance and start using!

The MySQL Workbench, as the name implies, is a client side tool for managing MySQL. It feels much more light-weight than the MSSQL Management Studio too.

Incidentally I had delve into learning NoSQL and found that it is not useful (read: useless) since it is non-relational. Consider the fact that data is useful only if it can be used in relation to other data. Therefore, to establish relationship between different data sets, the relationship itself needs to manifest somewhat into the data structure, and so comes the ever recurring problem where you need to keep redesigning the data structure so that the relationship keeps in par with the need of your project. In SQL one would usually just add a new column or a new table without affecting the existing columns and data.

In essence, forget the hype about NoSQL being schema-less and takes up less computing resources, it actually gives you more headache afterwards in having to keep updating/re-loading the data structure.

Nevertheless most web-based API are RESTful and within the JSON/NoSQL data structure, so learning to retrieve data from such sources is a necessity. However for storing my own data I would still stick with SQL.

New Desktop Setup with NZXT H1

I had spent some time to revamp my desk setup. Here are the details:

1. NZX H1 - mini-ITX computer chassis from NZXT
2. Asus ROG Strix B450-I Motherboard
3. Ryzen 5 3600 CPU
4. Asus ROG Strix GTX 1660 Ti GPU
5. Keychron K2 mechanical keyboard
6. Geekcable keyboard cable
7. Razor Viper Mouse
8. Godzilla metal poster from Displate

video sharing website

 https://popcorn-tv.co